Marriage and Spiritual Intimacy

In the marriage relationship, husbands and wives often become very close and interconnected physically, emotionally, socially and legally. But no matter how close a husband and wife are, if they have not completely understood the goals of marriage, then they cannot fully enjoy their relationship. They will never attain a true intimacy, but will instead develop a kind of dualistic personality with the other.

For the Sake of What Others Think?

Many couples decide to live together with a type of material, worldly contract they agree to raise children, own a house, and share their daily activities, such as visiting relatives. If they do not have any clearly formulated aim of their own in life, they may marry from a concern about other’s people reactions and social expectations. Such people often live together for the sake of what others think of them. If this is the case, then something important is missing in the marriage, for such a couple has shared only the superficial aspects of life. However, when married people develop the awareness that their relationship is meant to help them attain the deeper purpose of life, they can create a complete mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual participation. Then the marriage is can lead them to genuine fulfilment.

A couple should realise that just as they are one physically, emotionally, legally, and socially, they can also learn to become one spiritually. Achieving this inner oneness and unity is very important, because our outward behaviour and interactions cannot provide everything we are seeking. If two people live together physically, but never genuinely love each other on the deepest level, then within their conscious and unconscious minds there will always be conflicts or disturbances. If the people live together without love, they hurt and cheat themselves and create confusion within. Throughout married life, two people should continuously seek to become genuinely and progressively closer and more intimate in their relationship mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

There is a danger that all married couples face --- the danger that they may eventually get fed up with each other and abandon the goal of working towards unity. The tendency affects not only the young but also older people. Sometimes people live together, not because they actually want to live together, not because they actually want to maintain a relationship, because they cannot live any other way. They have become dependent upon each other, and no longer have confidence in their own strength.

Getting Married for Wrong Reasons

If people have entered marriage thinking that their wife or husband will make them happy or they will make them happy or that they have made a mistake. A mature person needs to outgrow such foolish and childlike ideas. Each person must learn to experience happiness within oneself. Trying to find happiness outside oneself, by depending on another person’s behaviour, leads only to frustration, anger and resentment.  People expect too much from others, and when those expectations are not fulfilled, they lose their temper and become angry, injuring their nervous system and interfering with their mental clarity. This also further harms their relationship with the other person. It is only when people find happiness within them that they can genuinely love and respect the another. Paradoxically, it is a sense of individuality that allows for genuine closeness.

Problems and Conflicts

In the adjustment process that takes place between two people, respect and reverence for the other person are the first requirements, no matter how many disagreements or conflicting opinions there are. Married people always remain unique individuals. Their tastes are different; they feel and think differently. Consequently, both must have respect for their partner's individuality, Some people create unnecessary problems for themselves by trying to deny their partner's uniqueness. No matter what happens, a couple's inner connection of respect and acceptance should grow stringer every day.

Seek Happiness Elsewhere

The most important adjustment in marriage is the mental adjustment,. The habit people have of judging others may be deeply rooted in each partner's personality. Unfortunately, when people are insecure and negative, they sometimes create conflict by condemning or criticizing their partners for minor habits that are different from their own expectations. Then such people may seek happiness elsewhere, in a different relationship.

Charms and Temptations of the World

From distance, everything and everyone seems to be exciting and glamorous. There is an old saying 
in India that reminds us that the drums that we hear in the distance sound fascinating, but when we examine a drum firsthand, we realise that is is hollow inside,. Every person who marries should resolve not to be affected by the charms, temptations and attractions of the external world. Resolve  not to let these superficial attractions and temptations interfere with your marriage relationship. The world does not really offer anything of eternal value; actually, the world is full of obstacles. The challenge all married people face is to make their present situation a means to happiness. A relationship is not an obstacles to happiness --- in fact, married life is meant as a means towards the goal of perennial happiness.

Time for Enlightenment

If a couple does not have a child, it does not matter; their attitude should be, "Because we do not have children, we will devote more time to our spiritual practices and to the goal of enlightenment".



Source: pgs. 90-94, Love and Family Life by Swami Rami